Worst Sex Ever

October 3, 2010
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My name is Dixie De La Tour, and I host an event called Bawdy Storytelling, where real people share their bona fide sexual exploits on stage. Each month has a theme, and last time the theme was “The Worst Sex Ever”, and I couldn’t think of a story to talk about.

So I was on a quest.

What would you do? Well, if you were me, you’d place an ad on Casual Encounters entitled ‘The worst sex ever, wanna help?” No guy would answer an ad like that, right? Wrong. Hundreds of responses poured in, offering to leave me aggravated and annoyed if only I’d choose them. Since they all offered inadequacy, I chose randomly and met Marco in the Richmond, near his house. Had he read the ad? Did he understand my goal? I wasn’t sure; he seemed to be trying to impress me, and the “hung” pic he’d sent made it appear his aim was not to disappoint. But I was desperate for a story, so we headed back to his place.

As we climbed five flights of stairs, I remarked “this’ll keep you in shape!” and he said yes, he was an athlete. We got right to it and soon he asked, “so, do you want to see it?” as he peeled off his jeans. “Um, sure,” I said, a bit late. His equipment had seemed just okay in the pic and I found it much less impressive in person, but hey, I had to have a story-worthy adventure and didn’t have much time. So we started having sex… but he stopped with every inch, asking me if I was okay. Marco was way more impressed with his member than I’d ever be.

As he came, he let out a shriek that puzzled me, and then dashed to the shower. When he came out, I asked if he was interested in a round two, since I was there and all. He said ‘Yeah… about that. When I came, I pulled a hamstring. I’m in agony right now!”

I thanked him and told him there would be no need to walk me out. Five floors on a pulled hamstring sounded bad, and despite his puppy-like enthusiasm, he had certainly given me a story worth telling!

Mission accomplished!

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SanFranSexy is a bi-monthly zine bringing a bulging package of Sex-Positive Culture to your doorstep. Every month we bring you juicy bits of news, events, resources, and advice keeping you in the know about what’s worth knowing in our sassy little town.

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