No Expectations

November 3, 2010

I love interacting with sex-positive people. I can be as flirtatious as I want and it’s understood that, despite that, I may not want to have intercourse with you. I may just want to kiss you deeply for an hour or have a little frottage session (dry humping with our clothes on). Or I may just enjoy exchanging some juicy energy with you. Granted, I may want to have button popping, throw down, carnal ecstasy with you, but maybe not. These are not necessarily related, and sex-positive people get that.

This is a new development in my life. I was taught early in my life that discussing sex was shameful. As a result, it became impossible to negotiate what I wanted to do and with whom. Studies show that for most young adults (and likely older adults as well), sexual negotiations are done non-verbally. I want to make it clear that this leaves a lot of room for misunderstandings. When a woman stops sex before climax, the man may, in his confusion, call her something like a tease, or worse. Pissing off a guy you WERE having fun with isn’t fun for women either; some will go through with it even if they’ve stopped enjoying rather than face potential negative reactions. So we end up in the awful situation where women feel they can’t start anything unless they are prepared to go all the way. This is unfortunate, because there are so many fun and safe ways to be saucy with one another. There’s more potential for open-hearted connection and loving touch when there are more options than “all or nothing”.

Playing sexually with each other in community is most fun when we can communicate honestly about what we are interested in doing, have a wide repertoire of yummy possibilities. Even if you are only interested in monogamous connections, being able to communicate wants and needs creates a more authentic — and intimate — connection.

Ever since I have been in the sex-positive community and been able to say stop, I find myself less worried about the expectations of others and have allowed myself to be open to more connections. Though there will always be some disappointments due to differing desires, sex-positive people tend to accept limited exchanges and shifting desires gracefully. Maybe it’s because they are getting more sex — or more sexy connections.


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